I was told by someone that I secretly hate myself. This didn't make sense to me. I felt like I was doing things to actively love myself and that the self hate came from guilt. I thought that I had hateful inclinations and fears toward myself, sort of the difference between "what if they think this of me" and "I am this to them".
Maybe though my brand of self torture is a form of self loathing, wallowing in rumination about my issue and trying to find a way out, feeding my brain with information about what is wrong with me in hopes that I can find a step by step solution, looking at research and what not.
Regardless of whether I genuinely hate myself or not, and if this is the root of my dysphoria, or an element of my current character expressing itself alongside it, if it is possible to find healing then it might be beneficial to at least change the information that I feed my brain.
I read a list of self loathing behaviours and one was filling my brain with information confirming my fears or object of hatred. I've been doing nothing but reading about how transsexualism is an illness in hopes I could start to believe it and be healed that way. Maybe a more positive route, reading about how I am loved by God and how I am valuable. Maybe even reading about how I'm made in His image.
I just have never been one to be influenced easily, if I feel my mind changing I fight it because I question the validity of the change, I question the authenticity of my beliefs and feelings. Or maybe that isn't the issue. I think what I'm conflating is my desire for an emotional experience and intellectual belief. I believe I am valuable and good. Some days more than others. But I crave a genuine self love.
This is so circular though, now I'm back at the original problem. Someone told me I hate myself because I feel more comfortable expressing myself as a woman, even though in those moments I enjoy myself and feel strong. And that I need to reject that and love myself another way. And so I meditate on that, and torture myself, and feel as if though I don't love myself, and crave a feeling I found already. It seems so elusive though. Others seem so capable of letting go of skepticism and just existing, meanwhile I think to myself "am I making this up? is this genuine? why do I feel this way was the path I followed proper? do I really feel it at all? maybe I feel differently than others" and so on. I have tried filling my mind with positivity that I am valid and valuable before and am only discouraged because the knowledge doesn't trigger emotion. I don't know how to make it.
Actually... what am I looking for? What do I even want. To feel a base level of joy and contentment. Not just in one moment, or while conversing, but genuine internal peace and comfort with and in myself. This is so foreign to me that I see it in others and I can't even grasp it. I sit and say, come feeling. I wait and don't know what it's supposed to look like. It's as if all things are relatively well, I am living, I can feel joy and yet, am just not happy. I'm realising that my depression is still pretty bad and I have been receiving poor mental health care for my whole life.